I can hold my tongue….now what?

Okay, so I can hold my tongue now around my inlaws. I’ve managed it the whole weekend, with out saying anything. Well…minus one quick (probably missed) comment about ketchup (referring to when they decided to take it upon themselves to ‘teach ronan how to eat kethup corretly’ even though I have banned that item from his food list, and then reprimanded me for telling Ronan he couldnt have ketchup) at the dinner table. But you know what…holding this all in….has been making me so bitter and so angry, and so stressed out. I found myself just letting it all out on Ryan. not like…out out and im yelling at Ryan, but just telling him everything on my mind and how its driving me crazy being here. The way my decisions get questioned and how my inlaws have decided to make new plans/rules on how they will raise my son. Its more so with my father in law and all those comments that usually start with “well we do this with him…..we’ve been doing this……during the week this is how we…..kids his age need…..”

I have to say i did very well this weekend when I was finishing up an email online, and had Bob come down to say, “Sue and I are busy getting ready for people coming over, Ronan is poopy and you need to change his diaper”. Okay so after looking at him wondering why he would say something like this to me…I took a breath, and shrugged it off. Fine. Whatev. I know how to take care of my son, and I guess on the bright side it was nice of him to bring it to my attention….even if it was in a father telling his teenage daughter kinda away about it. So upon finishing the email i was all set to do this. I’ve been raising Ronan on my own since he was born…I dont think anyone reading this blog should question me and how long it would have taken me to get up and change my sons diaper. Its not an issue. But soon after this, Bob stops whatever he was busy with upstairs comes down and makes this whole scene of sighing and changing Ronans diaper in front of me, because apparently I didnt do it fast enough.

Right then and there, would have been an easy way for me to start something…no, it had already been started. But to continue this….whatever it was, and let Bob know that he did not need to step in again.

I could go in on the food aspects…..but really its long boring…and just imagine the worst. who knows…maybe i’ll blog about it another day.

I’m tired of being treated like Ronan’s 15 yr. old babysitter, and not his mother. I’m tired of the comments being made in my direction. I’m tired of the comments, looks, and the conclusions my inlaws come to when i stand up and make an executive decision. Tonight I got up and poured Ronan’s milk out of the sippy cup iwth the soft nipply like lid and into a hard sippy cup (ive said it more than once that my dr has said he needs a hard lid for his teeth, that the nipply like one is not good for him). Immediatley Sue makes a comment, like I’ve threatened her desicison or something. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place….I cant say anything, and if I do, it just causes more strife.

I’ve tried sitting back and not saying anything….but honestly, I feel like all I’m doing is making it better for my inlaws. When the core of the problem is focused around Ronan. If I dont say anything, than I’m just adding to the problem that Bob and Sue are creating in making it really tough on Ronan when we move. They have to know by what I’ve said and my actions that even though they give my son 4 glasses of milk or more a day, that as soon as im out of their house im only going to give ronan one glass of SOY MILK a day, and balance his calcium out in other ways. They can say waht they want over the phone to Ryan after we move, give their advice and opinions…but the end of the story is that Ryan and I will make the decision on how to raise our children.

Its hard living here with people who are my husbands parents who are so ….into my life, with out letting me live it…or live it with my son (like how my son wont even let me do any of our night tie routines anymore…he has to have PAPA….and his quick go to bed routine has been stretched out so long, i know when we get ot hawaii that I’m going to have a newborn who is up all the time and a two year old who for the last so many months has been trained to not go to bed on his own) While my parents are quite the opposite, and when i lived with them or when they visit, i have to ASK them to do anything, because they dont want to overstep their bounds. I had to beg my mum to watch Ronan so i could go to the hot tub down the street one night. because I can raise my son, I can learn with him how to raise him, and I wont regret this time when I went to school that I missed out on his life. A time that I can never get back.

It seems evident to me, the way they get upset at how i I reaact or dont reacct, or whatever it is they complain to my husband about, that everything they do in this aspect is only driving me further and further away from them. I seriously hope we never live in the midwest and are always an expensive plane ride away. I hate to have to say that…but thats how my feelings are right now.

I like my inlaws, i love that both sets of parents get along great, and i’ve heard horror stories about inlaws. So i know i should feel good about being here.

But with that said, im counting down the days till I leave and I feel so guilty about eveything that is happening here around Ronan. April is going to suck so bad for him, because I’m going to have him back on a normal eating regimine (no canned vegtables, only fresh fruit, only soymilk and water to drink, a lot more vegtables, no ketchup or dressings, only one movie or two tv shows a day, potty training, no milk before bed, a shorter bedtime regimne, no being allowed to wine and have a fit (have to sit in time out), etc……….) thats just a few things. then the newborn will be here, and it will have more struggles. Its just sad that my inlaws feel they have to win each battle, because in the end, its only going to make it harder on Ronan.

Advice accepted.

Okay so im writting this almost 2 hours after putting Ronan to bed. Thats right…I finally got a chance to do it. I so miss it. Especially being at school all day, I crave any time I can with Ronan. Though I was having fun with Ronan when I got home, as soon as PaPa came home, all Ronan wanted was him. When I tried to take him downstairs to play after dinner, he just cried tears and screamed for “PaPa”. So I went upstairs and watched some tv, and did somethings online. Hoping Ryan would call again. He didnt. Well after his bath and now in his pjs, he pushed my bedroom door open (my door doesnt stay shut, even teh dog can push it open, its annoying. Talk about lack of privacy.). I took him inside, shut the door behind us, and showed him pictures of penguins on my computer. Ronan loves penguins and hippos. Then he kept wanting milk, and I told him no several times. he had milk for dinner and besides he doesnt need added fluids before bedtime. He wanted a book, so we went to his room, I read him three books (my limit) and then we sang our song. And it was just cute. Imagine this…Ronan and his little arms, tightly held around my neck and singing (in baby jibberish) to the tune of the song. I put him in his bed, got him his stuffed penguin, and tucked him in after our prayers and kisses. Yes he requested milk and cried a bit after i finally left…but he eventually went to sleep Badda bing badda boom. Thats how its done. I crave those times with Ronan, and I cant help but feel anger towards my inlaws…mainly my father in law, when those times get stolen away for “PaPa”. Someone who cant say not to Ronan, who will let Ronan stretch out changing his clothes to 30 minutes when it should only take 5 minutes, but yet tells me how I should raise my child.

April, the Month of Detox

Granted I will still be pregnant (and losing weight will not be my goal until May), but none the less my family’s eating habits are going to be undergoing a major renovation.

So lets start with Ryan shall we…
Okay so my poor husband came back “home” for Christmas/New Years and right away I could tell he put on some extra weight since August. In their dorm rooms they cannot have microwaves or toasters and they rely on their food supply from either the mess hall (up there with Harding Uni’s cafeteria food) or eating out. So all these circumstances have shown their effects on him.

Much of this applies to Ronan as well, being that we are both living at my inlaws. But the food I’m eating here, is definitely much off the path of what I’m accoustomed to eating in my own home. Things are more bland and usually centered around the main “meat” dish. There isnt much vegtables present, and if they are they are almost always from cans. I could go on and on about how much I despise canned vegtables. Besides the lack of nutritional value, they almost always are way too salty, lack flavour, and just have that yucky “I-came-from-a-can” taste. We do have salads at almost every meal…a very small salad, and everyones but mine is covered in croutons and yucky gross salad dressings to hide any actual taste the salad may have contained prior to be drowned. Fruit shows up as well in small bowls, and comes dripping from the high frutose cornsyrup it was saturated in from either jar or can. It is almost comical, how my inlaws table shows the appearance of trying to eat “healthier” while it seems they have definitly made a wrong turn somewhere….somewhere in the shopping market. That and the amount of food they eat equals the cause to the added weight they both carry. I remember even Ryan telling me that when hes home and he doesnt eat all the food his mother wishes he would eat, she gets offended. Yes this could be compared to a culture custom in another country, but this matter doesnt stop here. They then try to push their food ideals on us. Its one thing for me to say that I dont want Ronan to have milk from a cow, and to drink soy milk instead. Its another for them to give Ronan things like dairy milk, hot dogs, ketchup, etc with out my consent. I’m not pushing them to drink soymilk. I didnt even move here with all my food ideals. Day one, I dropped the bread thing I have, and decided to just make do with what they buy. (I’ll spend 20 minutes in a store untill I find the right bread that does not contain the words “Enriched” or “High Frutose Cornsyrup”…you try it…its hard…esp. finding ones that dont have both of them in their ingredients.)

I have stopped picking the same battles, and choosing which ones to have. Which has backfired on me many times now with them saying they “didnt know better”. Whatev. And then the whole “forgetting” thing and doing things after he hasnt been allowed to have them. Or making decisions about them. I have never wanted Ronan to have ketchup. One its awful for him to eat and two he eats it like a food group and not with frenchfries. So apparently over christmas break, my “wonderful” brother in law taught Ronan how to eat ketchup correctly. First without my consent. Then I found out about it after telling Ronan he couldnt have ketchup, and having them reprimand me saying they taught him how to eat it correctly. Um excuse me…who gave you that right?

Okay so now this blog is going to stretch on to me being walked over as his mother. Number one pet peeve…telling me how to raise my son. I dont care who you are. Advice is good yes…but none of this making me feel like Ronan’s 16 year old babysitter, compared to his mother. It will send up a red flag and my defense mechanisms wil kick in right away. People say im like…super nice, and such. Well you want to see the bitch come out…go ahead…say something about my children.

So what did Ryan, Ronan, and I eat while were were living as a family in Monterey? True we didnt get to eat as much fresh vegtables and fruit as I was accustomed to in my family, due to the cost of these items. But we never came back from the commissary with out something from the produce department. The items we bought from cans contained either beans or some form of tomatoes. We ate a lot of pasta and a lot of rice dishes. We hardly ate red meat, and instead ate lots of turkey and fish. Its kinda comical but we either eat “italian” or “asian” styled foods. Ronan did drink only soymilk and only had one or two glasses a day (compared to the cazilion glasses of milk my inlaws give him daily) but I gave him his calcium and vitamin D from other foods and my doctor said I was feeding him correctly. Despite what my inlaws tell me. Ronan was not (who knows what my inlaws sneak to him) allowed any juice whatsoever. I dont care if it says 100% fruit…thats not the point. The point is i didnt want him to have any. I want him to love water, and not say “juice juice juice” all the time, stray away from cavaties and unneeded sugar, etc.

Things I really miss from my diet before: Spicy foods (my father in law complains it hurts his tummy…hmmm…i wonder what all that sausage pizza and heavy, calorie filled, smothered, covered, greesy food is doing to it), Tea (I refuse to make tea by boiling water in the microwave…and im tired of explaining to my mother in law why making tea correctly means a lot to me), Organic food…*omg* (wish you were a bee in my house when i was explaining my excitement to mil when i heard they were selling organic cherrios now. I think first i had to explain what organic meant to my confused mother in law and hten why i was excited…finally it just wasnt worth it and i said, “nevermind”. We use to be giving Ronan a little bit of extra stuff to put in his porridge every morning to help with protein. I cant remember the name of it, but something you can get in a health food store….well i think its been long lost in a cabinet away somewhere. Instead they want to give him child vitamins…why not just feed him correctly?

I’m sure there is more….I do hate being told i eat a lot of cereal. So…I’m supposed to be drinking 5 glasses of skin milk a day, and eating cereal is the only way i know how to do that with the glasses i drink already. It helps with me eating small more frequent meals too. I dont verbalize all that I am writting here that bugs me about what they eat…so why say stuff to me.

I just hate the “well this is what we do” comments they say (especially from my fil..he says it the most) about how they raise ronan. Well what the hell…who am I. And to this a week or so ago the hormones caught up to me and I just got up yelled something at them ran to my room and slammed the door like some crazy 14 year old and started crying. Somehow I got Ronan in there with me and just wanted to move out wiht him that very second. All the while my fil is ont he other side of my door giving me the speach on why kids should have dairy. Yeah….whatev….i’ve done my own research too, and our bodies arent made to digest dairy, so boo on that theory. And why must we live the same nutritional rules you do…I’m not forcing my thinking on you…just for my child mostly.

Gah.

*Goes back to find a calandar to count down the days till Ryan gets here….and then the days until we leave..even if that date is still yet to be determined.*

Sick Day

I decided since I was sick this weekend, and I made it with great attendance for the past two months, that I would call in with the flu today. So yeah…technically I dont have the flu, today, but i did this weekend, or whatever it was. Maybe its like a pregnancy version of senioritus, or i actually have senioritus with my impending graduation only weeks away now. But I figured being on my feet all day after this weekend wouldnt be a good thing. They’re also taking a test today that I’ve already taken and the project i was supposed to start and finish this weekend only got started yesterday, so im making up for loss time. That and Im kinda getting burnt out on some of the people at my school. Its gotten to a point where as much as I dont want to come home at night, I dont really want to leave for school either. Which really sucks. If i have a good day, then once i get there everything ends out alright. If its a bad day, it just stretches on forever. I’m just sick of the cattyness and silly things girls say and do inspite of others. Its passe, its highschoolish and I’m so over it….and i wish they were too. But apparently our school is way more drama free than other ones…so I should count my blessings. But now with me leaving soon its like, the opposite thing I’ve experienced in schools overseas.

Let me explain. When I would find out that I would be moving somewhere else, it was exciting. And slowly I would start to withdrawl…not dramtically. Just kinda getting excited about the new life, new things, new school, etc. Usually the last time with my friends was happy sad…so no tears. But as soon as i got to my new location, then it would sink in that i actually moved and the life i lived before was long gone and I would probably never see my old friends again. Plus by the time the next relocation came around, if i had any contact with those friends from the previous school, most contact would be stopped by now. Its not a sob story, its just facts and how it happened. I’ve talked to others and its not just me, its how it happened. Its just life in the military TCK world. People always movinng in and out of your lives. Its why we skipped the first three phrases of friendships and became best friends with someone in a matter of days. Its why when a new person moved to school everyone jumped at the chance to say hi and invite them in. Its probably why, yes we had cliques, but in a sense we were all just one big family. So thats what I’m used to.

But now with my graduation in just weeks, im facing something new. Where a lot of the students from my school, whom i used to talk to a lot and stuff, seem to have just withdrawn from me. Whenever certain circumstances or situations arise i hear the phrase said (whether im supposed to be in hearing range or not) along the lines of ‘well shes not going to be here that long’. We even had this month long contest and I worked really hard for it. I worked doubly hard I thought since I dont have an extension family/friend base here. I was litterally passing out business cards left and right. Then the other day i heard people talking about how they hoped I wouldnt win because its not fair that I’m leaving or something. There was a lot of noise going on in the salon, but that was the jist. I still dont know who won, but im guessing its the girl I know I was up against. She is from a small town here and has a huge friend/family base, is always busy with clients, and apparently she made $200 or so more than me in retail/services. Which side note, she was able to get $400 from gift cards she sold in the week of working the desk, and I really dont think thats fair…but whatev.

So anyways, its just annoying and kinda not comforting to go from being one of members of the first class of regency, to be this person that people are already to just let go of. I havent even left yet. You know, I could be like Ryan says I do a lot, over analyzing things and stuff. But I cant reverse what I heard people say. So I just needed a break from that…more than a weekend break.

I also need a break from the living at the inlaws deal. I managed to save a $100 from christmas, and Im going to add that to my ‘get out of jail’ fund. So perhaps i can at least vacate to my parents in Tucson for the month of February. Three weeks of sanity. Thats got to be enough for at least a grayhound, if i cant find a cheap southwest ticket online. I had hoped to go to Disneyland and see my sister, but my mum is taking a job, and I was leaning on the prospect of her going with. I tried to see if Ryan wanted to take Ronan to Disneyland before we go to Hawaii, but he didnt seem too thrilled. I just cant stay in Illinois for 3 weeks until Ryan finishes. And Even if I did something like spending two weeks in Texas and staying at the base lodging, theres nothing to really do while hes in class/work anyways, compared to Tucson. Sigh.

Okay…i think ive taken a long enough break…on to finishing my project. Adieu.

Honesty.

hon·es·ty
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

This word has been looming in the back of my mind for the last few weeks. Its a word I like to use a lot. Its something I look for in my approval of other people. Its a reflection that I hope others see in me. So why is this seven letter word hindering my ability to feel confident in my actions? I guess I’ve just been puzzled if what I’m feeling is okay and if not talking about somethings is still keeping honest to yourself and others. The dictionary also defines honest as truthfulness and sincerity. So what if im not even clear myself with what it is honest or what is just a girl-like-over-analyzation of something maybe everyone deals with? And why bother others with this, in a purpose of being honest, if its matter of little importance and could only cause unneeded and extra stress in others lives. Wouldnt that be like…putting myself above others and further making things all about me? A selfish end to a cause for honestly.

…back on life support.

I got my MacBook today, compliments of Daddy. I still need to get my broken gateway laptop looked at so i can fax something to my insurance. But that will have to wait till my morning off on Tuesday. Back to the MacBook…I love it. Yes i still dont know what a lot of those icons at the bottom do, but im slowly learning how to manuever a mac. Besides the brief times I used one for my webdesign classes at Uni, the last time I used one was our family apple computer when i was like…six.

I just like being able to be online…even if i dont have anything i need to do. Just the ability to be online is nice. The computer at my inlaws is the slowest thing ever and then our net went out. Now if i can just figure out if I can use adobe photoshop on this macbook, i’ll be all set.

Ahem…

…I have made it to wordpress.  Apparently, and I know i overuse that word, ‘starlet’ was yet to be taken, so I was able to nab a slightly different screen name than usual.  Give or take a few numbers.  I’d actually blog something worthwhile, but chinese is on its way shortly and there are tests to be studied for.  Only five weeks of school left, and then its on to state board! Now if only I wasnt stuck at my inlaws for another two months, things would be alright.